Training Institute for Mental Health: COVID and Couples

We are living in unprecedented times. The COVID-19 pandemic has taken hundreds of thousands of lives, devastated the economy, and fundamentally changed how we live. As the pandemic continues on for the foreseeable future, another major impact is being made on our mental health and interpersonal relationships. In the world of mental health treatment, couples therapy is particularly linked to these impacts, as its focus is on the very relationships that have been so disrupted. Dr. Delverlon Hall, the Director of the Training Institute for Mental Health’s Couples’ Program, gave me her thoughts on how the pandemic has altered couples’ therapy, our relationships, and our mental health, and how we can turn
this tumultuous moment into positive change.

One clear consequence of the pandemic is that it is making us all deal with the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings from which we typically keep ourselves distracted. With people unable to fill our days with the bustle of normal life and mostly confined to the same places and people, “Even if you don’t want to deal with your feelings, it’s pretty hard not to,” says Dr. Hall. People are dealing with all types of loss, and in the context of the couples Dr. Hall usually works with, these feelings of loss and frustration often get displaced onto one’s partner. Like it has with many other things, the pandemic has exposed the difficulty many of us have with expressing and coming to terms with our feelings, which has put strain on many relationships.

The close confines many of us find ourselves in has not helped much either according to Dr. Hall. Spending this extended period of time in the same space as our partners and families has exacerbated many of the interpersonal strains people are already experiencing. While Dr. Hall notes that for couples who have already put the necessary work into their relationship this extended time with each other has actually been quite enjoyable, she also believes it has instigated much hardship for couples who have not, particularly those that were sustained primarily through distraction. In the context of larger family units, Dr. Hall has seen mothers become particularly stressed by these closed spaces. In her experience, this stems from the belief many mothers have that they must always sacrifice themselves for their children and spouses. Because of this, they might feel overwhelmed by the need to care for their children and their husbands 24/7 during the pandemic, leaving them prone to feel depressed, angry, or just plain exhausted. In these stressful times, it is important that mothers particularly feel that they can take a break and ask for help with navigating these emotions, hopefully freeing them from this stress.

Beyond these stresses, Dr. Hall believes the current crisis also presents an opportunity to shift a multitude of ways in which we can view and live our lives for the better. Not only can mothers liberate themselves from this notion of self-sacrifice, but broader notions of the “family unit” can change. Fathers, for example, many of whom now find themselves spending more time at home, can shift their views of fatherhood to include more time with the family if they have not done so already. More broadly, without the distractions of normal life, couples now have the time to work to create relationships that balance both of their needs and models healthy relationships for their children. “How we show up in our relationships has everything to do with what we witnessed mom and dad’s relationship to look like,” says Dr. Hall. “But there is no right or wrong way.” While this proposition may seem daunting for many parents, it means that if couples put in the work, they can create lasting, positive changes long after the pandemic is over.

The opportunities brought on by the current situation also extend to how we form our relationships. Many of Dr. Hall’s single clients have continued to date during the pandemic, and for most of them it has been a humbling experience. Dating during social distancing has made them realize what they took for granted in dating before, and many are now more grateful for the social connection. Like in many other aspects of our lives during COVID-19, Dr. Hall believes people are slowing down and being more mindful and present in their interactions. “People are so vulnerable and exposed right now and so appreciative of someone just to be there and witness and be sensitive, and I think all of us are showing up that way in all parts of our lives.” She hopes that, in the context of relationships, this will lead to people getting to know each other better in the earlier stages of dating, which, optimistically, could result in stronger and healthier relationships.

While there is an opportunity to forge positive change from this collective vulnerable moment, it will take work by individuals on these harder issues to actually see such changes come to fruition. One way that Dr. Hall believes couples can do this is by seeking out couples therapy even if their relationship doesn’t feel close to a breaking point. “When people tend to show up to couples’ therapy, they’re already in trouble. Thus, it’s important to seek help sooner rather than later.”

In many ways relationship difficulties are a microcosm of the harder issues we all must grapple with to create lasting change. Being in a relationship requires that one learn things about themselves that they could never learn through any other means. And more than anything else perhaps, the current pandemic has given us the opportunity to learn and question if the ways of life we took for granted are really the best they could be, and think of ways to improve them. When we do learn these things—see that there is no “right” way to go about a relationship, understand our own biases, strengths and weaknesses—it’s a relief. According to Dr. Hall, “Couples therapy helps you to see that so you can feel okay with the learning that comes with being in a relationship.” And if there is one thing we can do in times like these, it’s learn.

If you or someone you know is interested in couple's therapy at TI, please call 212-627-8181 ext. 406 to speak to our patient coordinator.